hello again.

running away didnt help. the loneliness came with the full moon, encroaching on me like a slug sunbathing on wet mud. 

Spending time with friends, true friends mitigated the emptiness inside for a slight reprieve. I am sad and disappointed at whom I’ve become, someone who is afraid to be alone. 16 year old ying li is disappointed with 26 year old allison. 

When I lived in Singapore, I marvelled at those rare glorious moments when I have the space and danced alone. Now, I take it for granted and constantly crave company, frightened to be left alone with my thoughts, my anxieties, my fears and desperations. I am letting my fears cloud the present. you have nothing to be afraid of my dear.  You have nothing to be afraid of. Breathe and live in all the things you have and all the events that are happening. Hope is threatening and so is its evil twin, Expectations. Hope and Expectations, two equally malevolent forces. 

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” 

― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Imagine trying to breathe underwater before realising that one has lungs not gills. Forcing a mermaid tail strips one off their voice. Has Ariel taught you nothing darling you foolish land creature.

Being brave is letting yourself be vulnerable. numbing and pretending nothing matter is only putting on a false front, expanding this bubble of emptiness you felt for a very long time. I’ve been numb for a few years now. I forgotten what it felt like not to struggle every day. Please learn how to be on your own. Your phone is causing you more misery than joy. 

Not everyone in your life loves you as much as you love them so open your eyes and learn to let go. You have fallen into the loop you so desperately want to escape. You’ve seen it happen in your own family (which btw in case you need a mental reminder, it was what you are running away from) so why repeat such meaningless actions in a whole new continent?  Bless your heart.

Bless your soul. You are worthy. Mind you, that is if you put in the effort and maybe a teeny dose of Hope and Expectations

so tell me, what is it that you want that you really really want?

I’m going to need to burn.

What? You ask.

Burn, I say.

I’m going to need to burn.

Hurl myself into flames

of desire, fury, fear and despair.

Why? You ask.

How, I say.

The body, mind and soul,

step as one into purgatory.

Blinding light hits and blazing heat licks,

I’m going to need the burn.

(yes sometimes i try poetry but very lazily).